Taking the Leap: How I Became a Kink-Affirming Sex Educator
Taking the Leap: How I Became a Kink-Affirming Sex Educator
A look at my journey, as well as the different professions in the field
(A picture of me from 2018)
Right off the bat, I will start this post by saying I ended up in this field by basically falling into it. I didn’t go to college with the idea that an actual career in sexology, sexual health, or sex coaching even existed. Had I known, I likely would have gone down this path far sooner.
Here’s the tea… I’ve been asked how I became a sexologist (and what they do) at least a few dozen times over the past year or two, and I thought it was high time to put it in writing for those interested in learning more about the field of sex and kink education.
So how did it happen? Buckle up, because you need the whole back story to get the complete picture.
I had just completed a doctorate in education with a concentration in leadership from City University of Seattle when I found my way into kink-education.
I knew I had a kinky side pretty early on (as most people who identify as kinky can typically recall specific attractions or things they gravitated to without a real concept as to why or what it meant, just that it felt good.)
As a young adult, most of the books I read were Anne Rice novels (my first experience with BDSM in a novel was her Beauty Trilogy, which I am well aware of the vast array of feelings about that book, both good and bad, even from those in the subculture. As a previous literature professor, I tend to take a different approach, knowing that these are works of fiction, not guidebooks, and feeling excited by a book about dark and devilish things isn’t a bad thing as long as you don’t take it too seriously.)
So there I am, ashamed of the stories I was reading and wanting to understand more about them.
I began researching kink and BDSM in my very early 20s and opened up to a friend of mine who was actually well-versed as a Dom in the local community. He mentored me, taught me the importance of vetting and consent, how to look out for red flags, and essentially taught me how to bring out the Dominant side of myself. He and I were never in a dynamic, but he was opening a world to me where I didn’t feel so alone and felt a lot of things click into place about myself. I knew I still wanted to submit, but he instilled the concept that submission was truly a gift of self.
Wrestling with the knowledge that I wanted to submit, I had identified that I was an exhibitionist, and yet I was also fiercely independent and headstrong, which most people took for dominance. I leaned into it, and over the years, I hid my kinks away, usually turning them into fictional fantasies that lay buried in closets for years to come.
I did, over time, explore FetLife (I was warned how dangerous this place was, but at the time, it was one of the only places that you could learn a bit about yourself and the subculture), where I would learn by asking questions in the forums, finding resources for those exploring a new side of themself, and even making a friend or two (after months of vetting) who are still close friends today. I engaged in a contracted D/s distance dynamic or two, but every bit of this part of myself I hid away.
Once I was married, putting myself through school, working, and having a family, I chose to lock away my needs and desires. That’s what I thought you were supposed to do. Life becomes about everyone else, and as women, mothers, and wives, we are supposed to be selfless.
Instead, I wrote and read during any free moment I had. I loved it, which is why I pursued my B.A. and M.F.A. in Creative Writing and World Literature. Having children at the same time presented challenges, and not having the ability to hire a sitter meant I also had to work from home or only work very part-time out of the house while completing coursework online.
I put myself through school on a combination of scholarships and working as a personal trainer, yoga instructor, and aerial yoga instructor, teaching only a handful of classes each week. I made jewelry for my Etsy shop and would take my creations to craft shows during the spring and summer. I worked as an English and Essay writing tutor for several online tutoring agencies and did freelance copywriting, earning less than $25 an article.
That all changed once I had my M.F.A. and applied for my first adjunct associate professor position at just 25 years old. Because I had graduated with three degrees with honors already and two years early from high school as valedictorian, they hired me on the spot, and I started teaching online classes with a full schedule right away.
I was thrilled! I loved getting to work with students teaching English 101 and 102, I was home with my kids, but as the primary breadwinner in the house, I still had to work extra jobs to put food on the table. I continued to tutor until the college I worked for put a call out for Subject Matter Experts to rewrite their English 101 courses. They hired me, and within a few days, both the educational technologist and curriculum developer quit. I was pretty familiar with the platform and jumped into those positions as well (not getting paid extra, but I saw it as a chance to prove my skill set).
I was now working 7 days a week, 15 hours a day and still felt like I was struggling to balance it all as a young mom too.
If you notice, up until this point, everything I was doing was for others. My only source of self-care was reading and writing, both of which I no longer had time for. I was getting burnt out.
Fast forward about 5 years like this. I’m still working multiple jobs, now for multiple universities. I’m tired, and for the first time, my sex life is essentially non-existent, and I had a weekend off in mid-summer.
What did I do with it? I sat down and finished writing my first complete erotica and felt it was good enough to try and seek publication. I just needed a pen name… I didn’t want to risk using my actual name in case it was found by my universities (God forbid anyone who teaches also writes smut for fun), and thus, Jillian Brooks was created.
I researched how to draft a manuscript and query letter for publishing houses that I knew published erotica from new writers, and the first publishing house I submitted to took my story! Pirates, Sex, and the Sea was officially a published book!
For the first time, I was making money from writing about sex! Granted, it was maybe $10, but it was a start!
It was shortly after that I began to realize that I needed to start looking after myself. I felt alone and knew I was “different.” I wasn’t straight, and I wasn’t vanilla, and yet I had been living as if I were for most of my life, and it was getting to me. I came clean about my wants and needs, and after some time, my partner and I decided to part ways. We were just too different and it was clear neither of us were happy. The divorce wasn’t easy, but it was the best thing for us and the family.
Flash forward another couple of years. I was now living in Los Angeles, working as the Director of Educational Technology for a Fortune 500 company with an office overlooking the ocean, in a new relationship with my now partner after careful vetting, mutual development, crafting a dynamic with the help of what ended up being my first experience with a kink-affirming therapist. My family saw me happy, I was in a relationship built on trust, communication, and openness and my ex was happy in his new relationship too.
(2019)
The truth is, our therapist inspired me. Between her wisdom and insight, I realized how much of who I was as a person was tied to my sexuality and my identity, and when one of those was being ignored or shamed, it affected the rest of my life. I wanted to learn more and be there for those who felt ashamed for being who they were.
Then… the Pandemic hits. No more date nights to visit the local kink community. And suddenly, the world was out of toilet paper? Like so many others, it felt like life, and my job, were crashing.
I was working around the clock, on the phone with AWS, more than not, trying to keep our servers from crashing as the entire world went indoors and online.
My assistant covered the hours I slept, but I was working myself into the ground. I ended up telling the company I needed to pull back on my hours, for my own mental wellness and for my family. They allowed it, and I finally could breathe.
During this time, my partner and I were able to get much closer, setting aside time for ourselves privately so that I could recharge through my subspace. The flow of energy between my Dom and me was something I never thought I would ever find, and the therapeutic effect of simply allowing my mind to quiet and being in that space with him truly changed me.
I started writing about the experiences, and I wore a day collar most of the time (demure and delicate where only those in the community really knew what it was.) I was truly the happiest I’d ever been, even if it felt like my job was getting increasingly demanding.
It was about this time we realized the pandemic wasn’t going away anytime soon. 2 weeks turned into 2 months and there was no telling when it would end.
I had heard about this app, TikTok, but had no idea what it was. I jumped onto it for the first time and was hit with shuffling dances first, and then what?! Kink educators like Sunny Megatron! I scrolled through so many videos it was crazy. I also realized that this shuffling trend was pretty cool, and I got this wild idea that, okay… I’m going to teach myself to do this, too! What else do I have to do when I’m not in Zoom calls?
A couple of months passed, and I decided to make my first video. It was a silly dance trend, but I did it, and it got a few likes! Well, now I was hooked!
This is where the kink education part comes in. A handful of people noticed my collar and asked where I got it. I posted 1 video responding to it, and within days, it had over 500k views on my silly little account with maybe 100 followers.
Then, the rest of the questions started to roll in: What does it mean? Do you wear a leash? How do you handle being a submissive at your job? What do your kids think? Do you have a dungeon in your house? How do I learn more about this?!
I did what I always do… I fell into teaching. I was an academic, after all… even if I made a fool of myself a few times trying to shuffle just to keep my mind and body off the fact that the world was ending.
I pulled up case studies, books, and research from the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom, blog posts from Sunny Megatron, research from the Kinsey Institute, and I answered the questions with facts, research, and stats.
To my shock, people were receptive. Some felt like their eyes had been opened to something they didn’t realize existed, others in the community showed kindness, and I even got a follow from the great Sunny Megatron!
That’s not to say I didn’t also get the slew of trolls, and this was my first real experience with learning to grow a thick skin and block people.
At this point, it felt like I was on the right track to something. It was like something had “clicked,” and I made the leap to enroll in the Holistic Sex Educator certification program through ISEE (The Institute for Sex Education and Enlightenment) If I was going to be talking and teaching about this, I wanted the right credentials behind my name. Being self-taught is great, but a formal education was important to me.
I continued to answer questions on TikTok, but realized I was starting to get the same questions over and over, and I couldn’t keep up. My first account had grown to 66k in a month! So, I started The Submissive Next Door Podcast and a Patreon where I could start to share my research and my partner and I could share the journey with others.
Then the TikTok bans came… video after video of mine was getting reported, as were many others in the kink health field, and there was no stopping it. The reviewers were so inconsistent that it became difficult to even try and create educational content anymore.
I was getting DMs and emails asking where I was and how to find my content again, so I pivoted.
I knew I wanted to quit my Ed Tech job and teach kink ed full time. I knew that with credentials from ISEE I could do it.
I continued making the podcast and created the Kipani.Life blog and IG accounts, and through my ISEE classes, met other incredible sex educators, researchers, therapists, kink educators, and organizations. I was introduced to TASHRA (The Alternative Sexuality Health and Research Alliance) and continue volunteering as a researcher on the Authority Transfer Study. I joined as a Coalition member of the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom, became an active member of The Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality, and began freelance writing for Kinkly.
Through a multitude of avenues, I found ways to support my work. I further opened up to publishing my own erotic art and writing, and I was bringing in just enough to quit my day job. Shortly after, I received my certification and began my private practice as a kink-affirming intimacy consultant. Since I already had a terminal degree in addition to the required hours as a sex educator, I then applied for board certification as a clinical sexologist and was awarded the title.
Which brings me to this …
My post-doctorate certification is in holistic sex education (CHSE). To me, this is a vital part of sexuality because it takes into account the whole person - their experiences, values, and beliefs that shape who they are, which in turn impacts their sexuality and identity. This is how I approach kink as well… for many, kink and D/s are identities, while for others, it might be a lifestyle or simply preference. Because these subcultures have been so marginalized, and even persecuted, finding education and resources isn’t always easy. It can be even harder to find a safe place to discuss feelings without the shame and stigma. I was shamed in multiple relationships for things I liked or expressing certain kinks I had, often being left feeling like something was wrong with me. Over the years, I was lucky to learn whole communities existed that felt this way and the relief I felt from finally acknowledging the parts of myself that stayed hidden for so long was a rebirth of self. I wanted to help create space for others to feel safe enough to ask questions and learn, and maybe help destigmatize my own communities.
The reality is, there are multiple ways to get into this field and several different types of professions if you are interested in working in the field of sexuality, whether that’s as a pleasure activist, sex educator, intimacy consultant, coach, sex therapist, or sex counselor. You don’t even need a formal education to be a coach. However, I caution against going into the field without at least some sort of formal training that involves supervisor and clinical hours.
Some options include pursuing an academic degree in public health or psychology, then looking into certification programs for sex education. Several organizations offer educational courses and certifications (several that I recommend will be listed below), but what matters most is the path you choose, as that will dictate the training available to you and your potential options for the future. Regardless, any program should be credentialed through the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), and if you choose to become credentialed through them as well, this will be a requirement in addition to documenting clinical hours and work in the field, as well as recommendations from supervisors.
Some of us in the field choose to forgo becoming AASECT credentialed for a number of reasons, so this, too, is optional, but it does provide a nice addition to your credibility.
Titles and Differences
Sex Therapist: A sex therapist is a mental health professional and is required to be licensed and certified through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). They focus on diagnosing and treating deeply rooted challenges, often looking at the past and how it affects the client today. They often have a background in psychotherapy and psychology and usually have additional certifications such as MFT, LMFT, etc. Clients may seek a sex therapist for issues such as vaginismus, sexual trauma, trouble orgasming, and more. They may or may not have additional training in kink or BDSM subcultures or the psychology of kink and BDSM.
Sex Coach: A sex coach can be hired by a client for one-off sessions or longer term to meet relationship or intimacy goals. They do not address past traumas or treatments. They can work hand-in-hand with a therapist to support goals and guide education in sexuality and intimacy through classes, webinars, support groups, and retreats. Sex coaches are NOT mental health specialists - they teach individuals how to understand their sexuality better and improve their sex lives. Clients may seek a sex coach for issues such as discussing boundaries with a partner, how to gain confidence in the dating world, how to enhance/improve sexual pleasure skills, etc. A sex coach may or may not have formal training of any kind, however AASECT credentialed programs exist.
Sex Educator: Similar to a sex coach, an educator is NOT a mental health professional and does not treat or diagnose mental or sexual health issues. The programs to become a certified sex educator, however, are often AASECT-certified (but not always), with a more extensive program than a sex coach. Educators may go by other titles in a private practice, such as an intimacy consultant, coach, or educator. They may or may not have additional training in kink and BDSM subcultures. They may have a variety of backgrounds in education, public health, etc.
Sex Counselor: A sex counselor is similar to a sex therapist as they will have an educational professional licensed through AASECT. Sex counselors can come in many forms such as Planned Parenthood advisors, nurses, school counselors..etc. This is a client-centered practice that focuses on short-term treatment and immediate issues. Unlike therapists though, sex counselors focus more on partnerships rather than sexual conditions. Sex counselors provide educational resources and can refer clients to therapists if clients must address their problems over a long period.
Sexologist: Sexology refers to an interdisciplinary scientific field focused on sexuality research and education and often includes an intersection with psychology. While the term can get thrown around to refer to a self-titled sexologist, it is important to note that a board-certified sexologist or clinical sexologist has completed a terminal degree along with a credentialing program such as Certified Sexuality Educator (CSE), Certified Sexuality Counselor (CSC), Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) etc. They teach subjects on sexual anatomy, functioning, techniques, health issues, and sexual interests. They provide sex coaching, may host workshops and webinars, and address concerns with individual couples and singles, and may be well versed in consensual non-monogamy. They can assist with teaching body awareness, sexual response, and skills, and may or may not be trained in kink and BDSM subcultures or psychology.
Lastly,
The field of sexuality is filled with a vast array of professionals, each with specialties and skill sets. Many of us work together through referrals and if you are struggling to find a reputable professional to assist with your needs, there is a list of kink-aware professionals on The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom (I’m listed there as well and happy to provide referrals if needed). AASECT also has a list of credentialed professionals, and PscyhologyToday.com provides lists of sex therapists and psychologists who may, in some cases, even take insurance.
I’ll end this by saying I know my way of falling into the profession is unique, and it's challenging to condense 36 years into a single blog post, but this covers the pivotal moments that lead me to where I am today. It was more of a calling I didn’t realize was there. My own shame and feelings of my sexuality gave way to wanting to help others live a life without shame because, frankly, no one deserves to be in a closet. My time teaching and in ed-tech turned out to help me be ready to teach the hard stuff (pun intended) as a sex and kink educator, and frankly, be surprisingly successful with building out a WordPress blog and automation tools to keep my businesses running while I continue to create content. Helping to create a sex-positive space in the world is a vital part of what I do, and advocating for education for marginalized communities is work that anyone can do, with or without a certification. Regardless of your background, chances are there is a path depending on just how far you want to take your career. The following are some resources to help get you there.
(My partner and I, 2024)
Resources:
If you want guidance or suggestions for developing informed and ethical content or what might be considered ethical practice as a sex educator, AASECT and The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) are good places to start.
The Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment (ISEE) is an AASECT-approved organization that provided one of the best programs for my Certification in Holistic Sex Education. There are many other certification programs out there, but I chose ISEE because of its academic rigor, stellar faculty, and its commitment to holistic wellness. The program also included coursework on Kink, BDSM, and Consensual Non Monogamy.
If you already have formal training but are looking to increase your knowledge in Kink and BDSM psychology, the award-winning Kink Educator and artist, Midori, has partnered with the Sexual Health Alliance to create a Kink Informed Certification.
The Alternative Sexuality Health and Research Alliance (TASHRA) provides education and research to assist the erotically diverse and provide clinicians and healthcare providers training on these marginalized communities.
The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom (NCSF) mission is to create a political, legal, and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. The NCSF aims to advance the rights of, and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities. We pursue our vision through direct services, education, advocacy, and outreach, in conjunction with our partners, to directly benefit these communities.
The People’s Book of Human Sexuality includes essays from a wide range of educators who come to the profession from various backgrounds. The author, Bianca Laureano, who was also my supervisor at ISEE for two semesters, also runs an incredible Sexual Attitudes Reassessment (SAR) program (more info here).
If you are interested in my list of Sexuality Education Books, you can check out my Goodreads list here.
Notable Educators to Follow
I’m compiling a list of educators to be posted soon on this substack. I’ll refresh this section with the link soon. A couple to get you started of those who inspire me:
Sunny Megatron of American Sex Podcast and Zipper Magazine
Midori - Kink Educator and Artist
Loving BDSM Podcast
Swinger University Podcast run by my friends Ed and Phoebe Swinger
Dr. David Ley
Dr. Eric Sprankle
Dr. Stephanie Goerlich
Dr. Bianca Laureano
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